Rowdy with Four

Today I had lunch with some dear girlfriends of mine. As we sat around the table at McDonalds, we shared and swapped stories of our day to day life. They were sharing with me how they each have daughters that love being homebodies. They try to encourage their girls to make plans with their friends, to call them on the phone, or text them. Just be social. All I can think is that was and still is so me!

I'm not the friend that makes lunch plans, calls you up out of the blue on the phone, or texts for no reason at all. To be honest, if my girlfriends didn't set up this lunch date I would have been perfectly content eating a bologna sandwich at home. But there I was with my sweet friends being blessed and having a great time. I'm so thankful for the friendships God has blessed me with over the years.

Growing up I had two childhood friends that I spent my summers with riding the streets of Saginaw. Too many sweet memories to recall them all. I remember most jumping on the trampoline, swimming, bike rides, Train and Grain Days, tacos four for a dollar at Taco Casa, candy from Motts, and snow cones. Boy, that was the simple life.

In high school God blessed me with a circle of friends that I still think about often. Also many sweet memories to cherish. From bus rides to and from games, egg wars, nights on the trampoline, dances, and more. I'm so thankful they reached out to me. In those days, having a pager and talking on the phone was all the rage. Yet, I don't recall once having a phone call conversation with my friends. My sister made up for my lack of interest. Trust me. My mom had to get my sister her own phone line.

With these memories, it made me think of my most treasured friendship. Jesus. When I think back to my childhood and teenage years, I had an innocence. My relationship with Christ was so different then. My faith was different. It was so great. I hadn't really experienced the hurts of this world yet. I can honestly say when I was seventeen, me and Jesus were tight. I lived in His Word and dwelled in His presence daily. I was vulnerable, tenderhearted, anxious to enter the next season of my life.

At seventeen, I prayed for God to show me his will for my life. Go away for college? Stay home for college? I will need a job. Where should I work? I knew He had called me into full time ministry. But what ministry? As I was praying and waiting upon the Lord, I didn't wait idly. I got involved. When I was living for the moment, He put me where He had me for that season. A place I wouldn't have put myself; however, God equipped me and empowered me to do His will. More cherished memories and friendships were made.

One of my biggest struggles this past year was leaving a church family that I love so much. I know God was telling us to go, but I just wanted to hang on with all my might. I didn't understand why He wouldn't allow me to stay where I was to heal. Now I know. I was dead. He had to break the chains that were holding me down. He had to prepare me for a new season. I get that now.

Healing. I've been praying for healing in my marriage. There is nothing sweeter than attending church and feeling the spirit of God move. When I'm in my church surrounded by my brothers and sisters in Christ I'm encouraged by their friendships, prayers, and hugs. You hear people say, "God is moving in our church…" But, what does that mean? To me it means He is moving in His people. He's been moving in me this year. I can feel His spirit so strong when I enter my church. I believe it is because He is moving in His people there.

It's been a long time since I've been moved to hit the alter. But, this year, that is where I find myself. When I'm there I'm always joined by my sweet sisters in Christ praying for me. Yesterday was no different. God was speaking to me through our praise and worship; then the sermon. When it was alter time, the tears continued to flow as I made my way down. This day it was my pastor's wife and Sunday school teacher's wife that came down to pray with me. I was asked if there was anything I needed prayer for. I said, yes, my marriage. They embraced me and prayed.

As I was sharing with my friends today, I was trying to explain to them how I felt at this time. There were just no words. I didn't feel like it was two ladies holding me in prayer, but God himself. It was simply God's amazing love flowing through two willing vessels. When God's moving, He wakes up the dead. He brings healing and restoration. A dry well can produce tears.

All this time I had it all wrong.  Instead of praying for healing in my marriage, I should have been praying for healing and complete restoration with my relationship with Christ. To be where I once was. Vulnerable, tenderhearted, living in His Word, and dwelling in His presence daily. I'm sure you can all think back to a time that you were one with God. Maybe you are there now. Oh, I just long to be there again.

As I enter this new season, I see that God wants me to be seventeen again.

Dreams are the norm for me. They are usually silly, and I wake up giggling thinking where in the world did that come from! I usually trace it back to something I had watched, read or heard. This morning, however, I woke up early from a nightmare. It was the ugly cry that woke my husband sleeping next to me. He asked me what was wrong. Sobbing, I told him I had a bad dream. Except it wasn't a dream. It's my life. Reality.

My dream started out silly, but ended with me confronting the people that have hurt me so much this past year. Forgiveness. A battle that I struggle with daily. It's crazy because in the past I never struggled with bitterness, grudges or forgiveness. It was easy for me to forgive, forget, and move on. But I'm guessing it was only because the offenses never cut deep enough until now. Jesus tells us in His Word to forgive seventy times seven. Easier said than done.

Unfortunately, I have allowed Satan an open door to pour salt in my wounds. Facebook is that doorway. Although it is good for keeping in touch with friends and family, it's also a reminder of what I have lost. May was really hard seeing all the post from graduations and award nights. Then this week seeing the pictures of the kids leaving for junior camp. Now August is around the corner and teachers will be posting soon. All I can think about is I should be there. I should be planning. Only if…

Why did she have to contact him and pursue him again? Why did he have to answer? Why am I being punished? Why was my job given to someone else so easily? Why is it so hard letting go and moving forward? Why is everyone moving on so easily with a lie, but me? Why? Why? Why? I just want to be a modern day Job. A new start with a happy ending.

I'm not really sure the purpose of this blog. Maybe you are struggling, too. What do you battle with daily? Letting go of that past sin, hurt, shame, or guilt is the only thing that will bring true peace and joy. Yes, I'm sure you know that. As do I. Just know that you are not alone. It's a healing process that takes time. Eleven months later, I'm still on the battlefield. Fighting on my knees. Persevere with me. Just like Job and the saints that have gone on before us!

I will be shutting down my Facebook account. You can follow my journey here on my blog account or my instagram account (@rowdywith4).

Last Wednesday I found only one pew between me and my loved ones. I sat there crying listening to the sermon and songs. Aching for my cousins mourning for their dad. Watching as my aunt said goodbye for now to the love of her life. Sadden she is only left with memories to embrace.

The rain poured as we drove to the grave site. I began to think of memories I had of my uncle. I didn't have many from a child or teenager, but have so many with his daughters and wife. He was so quiet and often didn't come to family functions when I was younger. Maybe he did come and I just didn't remember. I have more memories here of late of his salvation and baptism, Christmas Eve parties and Thanksgiving dinners with the small talk of how are you?

Last year we ran into my uncle at our small town cafe. He came in and sat down at the table with me and my husband. He talked and talked and talked and we listened. He knew so much about us, my husbands work, our kids. When we got in the car to leave, my husband and I just looked at each other and smiled. We both agreed that we heard him talk more in that thirty minutes or so then the entire time we had been married.

We arrived at the grave site where a peeking sun waited for us. We gathered under the tent to say our final goodbyes. When I looked down I saw the grave stone of my grandfather. I looked at the date of his passing. What!?! It's been 8 years. Where does time go? It seemed like just yesterday my granddaddy was giving me a dollar after school so I could walk to Motts and buy candy.

When I was a child, I remember when those older than me would say they wish they could go back in time. Be a child again. Be a teenager again. Be in their twenties again. I remember in those stages thinking no way would I ever want to go back! But, as I drove home that day I understood why? Why I would even want to go back. It's not because of the memories I've made, but because of the people that I made them with that are no longer here.

Remember how I said my uncle knew so much about us? I don't know how he knew so much about me and my little family. Maybe we were conversation around their table at night. But, I do know how blessed I am to have a family so close even in the quietness.

Life is short. May our days come easy and the moments pass slow and each road lead us where we want to go with the people we love.

I was honored to have the opportunity to make a video of my uncle. A picture is worth a thousand words. They told me my uncle was a man that loved life, his country, his family, and God. Most importantly he was loved by many!

I would like to share a few of my favorites with you…