Rowdy with Four

Today I am supposed to write about what makes me happy, from the little joys to the huge game changers.

Who am I? I'm a dreamer. I'm a believer. I'm a day dream believer. God put many dreams on my heart in the spring of 2014…move to the country, raise farm animals, grow a vegetable garden, sale fresh veggies and eggs, open a you pick farm, minister to kids on the farm, minister to women on the farm, open a retreat center, own our own business, and be published. These were my dreams.

Fall 2014 we moved to the country on my dad's farm. We are surrounded by 180 acres of beauty. My dad's cattle and horses run free in the fields.


Winter 2015 we brought home 30 baby chicks. They have remained my babies and they know my voice and come running.


Spring 2015 we planted seeds. Come summer we would have our first vegetable garden with squash, cucumbers, onions, okra, beans, tomatoes, and peppers.

Summer 2015 we opened our you pick farm. We spent our summer nights picking veggies and drinking tang. We made long lasting friendships with members of our community.


We also had our first 'Big' Backyard Bible Clubs and Ladies Night Outs here on the farm. God's word was shared and we were blessed to minister to children and women alike.


Fall 2015 our very own business was official. We opened Steadfast Water Well Service. We consider ourselves blessed to have the opportunity to serve our community's water well needs.


We also hosted our first annual Rock of Refuge Women's Retreat. Right now our retreat center may only consist of land, but I believe it will be so much more one day.


And my last dream…I'm still working on that. I truly believe the words God has placed on my heart will be published very soon.

P.s. Dream. Dream big. Believe. Believe in God. He's bigger than your dreams.

Help! Then you will call, and the Lord will answer; you will cry for your help, and he will say: Here am I" Isaiah 58:9 ESV

I've delayed in writing this blog. How do you write a blog when you feel defeated? I've spent most of yesterday and today in bed crying.

Don't get me wrong…the retreat was AMAZING! God was very much present and moving, so now Satan is on the attack. He is attacking me big time. He doesn't want me to share my heart.

God put it on my heart to share my greatest struggle. Many would think that would be the betrayal that entered my marriage, but that wasn't it.

I identified myself with four women in the Bible. I was that woman at the well. Living bound in sin. Dry. I was Naomi. Carrying all my burdens myself. Struggling. I was Gomer. Spending my days chasing other loves. Empty. I was Martha. Too busy being busy. Dead.

In spring 2014, God spoke these words on my heart…Where Life Begins. The theme of my heart that would become the theme of the retreat. Life begins when we come out of the grave, let go of the chains, and dress up in dignity and strength.

I am not the same woman I was on June 6, 2013, when I prayed for God to help me. I asked for revival, meekness, faithfulness, and brokenness. He heard and answered this dead girl's prayer all in His perfect timing. He showed me His power. I look back and see His hand working miracle after miracle.

It started with betrayal in my marriage. He broke me. He put my focus back on Him.

He took away all my ministries, but two. He taught me to be meek. It's not about me, but all about Him.

Broken and meek I sought God with my whole heart, soul, and mind. I found Him. He taught me what it means to be FAITHFUL to Him. It's not about being faithful to my church, ministry, or obligations. I had it all wrong.

It's being that woman at the well living in sin, but choosing to be a woman clothed in dignity, FREE from her past, ready to walk a renewed life in Christ. ALIVE!

It's about being like Naomi. We are going to have pain, trials, struggles, and dark moments. I'm struggling today with finding my value, but we can surrender it all to HIM. He is our strength.

It's about being a Gomer. Returning to our first love after chasing all the wrong loves. His love is the only love that can make us whole.

It's about being a Martha. Being still. Not talking. Just listening. He is Life. He conquered the grave. He can restore us. Give us new life. Give us new purpose.

My greatest struggle was being spiritually dead for so long and NOT even realizing it. God has made this struggle my ministry. Rock of Refuge. Sparking a heart of revival in the hearts of women.

"In you, O Lord, do I take refuge; let me never be put to shame! In your righteousness deliver me and rescue me; incline you ear to me, and save me! Be to me the rock of refuge, to which I may continually come; you have given the command to save me, for you are my rock and my fortress." Psalm 71:1-3

I'M ALIVE AND IT'S ALL BECAUSE OF JESUS!!!

"I can do all things through Him that strengthens me." Philippians 4:13

I really can't believe I'm about to say this…I truly have a heart for women. I remember the night God told me you are going to minister to women and I laughed. Kind of like when Sarah laughed when God told her she would have a son in her old age.

Today it was on the calendar to have dinner with a new friend. As usual, I was nervous. I had only talked to her one time briefly in the church parking lot. She gave me her number, and I texted her my name and said we needed to have dinner. I didn't expect her to respond with dates so quickly. She was available for the upcoming week! We planned on meeting Monday, but with the arrival of my niece we rescheduled for today. It was perfect timing.

She arrived around 4:30 as we were finishing up our outdoor chores. She went with us to feed the chickens and collect eggs. Dinner was cooking in the crockpot so we had time to sit down at the table and visit. Before I knew it, it was 6:30! Time went by so fast as we shared our Rowdy Hearts with one another.

I called the kids inside to wash their hands for dinner. We all sat around the dinner table. We took turns sharing more stories with our special guest. She helped with the dishes and we talked and talked and talked some more.

I spent most of the evening sharing my past trials I have overcome, but for the first time tonight I shared a new struggle. God has put it on my heart to write a book. To share my story. I guess I have what you call writer's block. I struggle every time I go to write. Am I suppose to share my prayers, my blog, my story…Not to mention I feel like Moses. Unqualified to write a book. I don't use big fancy words. I really need to not compare myself to others. I know God made me uniquely in His image.

Last week, I crossed paths with an author. Her book is titled Half-Written. I began to read excerpts from her book and I immediately felt defeated. Her story so similar to mine, but so beautifully written. And her title, GENIUS! I'm suppose to speak to a publisher on October 20 about my book and I don't even have a title. Honestly, after writing today, I was ready to call it quits.

Tonight I'm thankful. I had prayed that I would be able to pour into this woman, yet she poured so much into me. Already blessed by this new friendship. She encouraged me not to give up. Not to believe the lies. She even helped me come up with a title for my book…Can you guess what it is?

P.s. Follow your heart. Don't compare yourself to others. Be the woman God called you to be.

"Look," he said to his people, "the Israelites have become much too numerous for us. Come, we must deal shrewdly with them or they will become ever more numerous and, if war breaks out, will join our enemies, fight against us and leave our country." Exodus 1:9-10

The smile on your face lets me know that you need me.

There's a truth in your eyes sayin' you'll never leave me.

The touch of your hand says you'll catch me if ever I fall.

You say it best when you say nothing at all.

Have you ever loved so much it hurt? I really have put off writing this blog simply because of the emotions of hurt, pain, and struggles that are attached to it. Cleaning out my junk closet and preparing for a new school year, God said it's time. Don't do anything else. Just write.

I love God so much it hurts. The more I seek Him. The more I hurt. Have you been there? I can put on a smile, but do you know the truth behind the smile.

I'm not really sure where to even begin. It's been such a crazy month with finishing up my summer ministries, kids going back to school, starting our own business, my grandmother passing away, finding new ways to serve in my church, focusing on my marriage, and the Devil chasing my heels the entire time.

Here's another question for you…Do you really believe Romans 3:10 and 3:23? None are righteous no not one and all have sinned. In our minds we want to believe that loving God should make everything perfect or at least good. Reality. It's never going to be perfect, not even close, due to one word…SIN.

In the past I would think…I want a marriage like so and so. Now…I fight to be ONE in Christ with my husband. This summer we have been seeking God together and individually. Praying together. Sharing our hearts. Something we have not really been consistent with in the past.

A few weeks ago we even started doing a nightly devotional together to grow stronger as ONE. That's when the ugly came. The battle was on. If you could have been a fly on our wall you probably would have blushed. The words that were yelled. The lamp that was broken. The tears that were shed. Both ready to throw in the hat. Ugly. Ugly. Ugly. I'm pretty sure SATAN was doing the victory dance in our bedroom.

However, we have been praying, seeking God together and individually. As much as I stink at it, I really want to communicate better with my husband. I want to be connected with him. I love him so much. So much so that Satan knows where to attack to make it sting. To make me hurt. My marriage.

It was very tense in our house for a few days, but the funny thing is Satan didn't get the victory like he thought. What Satan meant for evil, God turned into good make up :) . God has used this fight to connect us even more. Seeking God is changing us. It's changing our marriage. It's changing how we hurt. It's changing how we love.

The blog I didn't want to write is just to simply say…seek God and become ONE with your spouse. Satan is working hard to divide and conquer homes. Don't let him have that victory. Fighting is going to happen…just make up!

Dear Grandmother,

This morning, at the hospital, the tears shed by my 13 year old boy for you was all the evidence I needed to prove you touched more than just my heart. I want you to know you are priceless! I don't believe you were really ever told this…if so, not enough. However, I do know Grandaddy saw you for the jewel that you truly are. And, I do, too!

After Grandaddy passed, the praises were sung about the legacy he left as a friend, brother, dad, husband, and grandaddy; but what about you, the woman that walked in his shadow. I believe he was the man he was because of you. The woman that loved him unconditionally. You never got the spotlight, but today I want tell you how you shined so bright in my life.

I always looked forward to playing hooky from school just so I could spend the day with you. I know you knew I wasn't truly sick…why else would you fry me up some eggs, bacon, and toast for breakfast? And, I always loved our late nights watching The Carol Burnett Show and Love Connection. And, what an amazing privilege to pick your whiskers!

I will never forget how you took care of my first newborn son, a preemie, the first year of his life. I was so young, newly married, a mother for the first time, and so scared to leave him. But 80 years old, you loved my baby, your great grand-baby, with only a love so sweet and tender that a Godly woman like yourself could have. Your sugars are truly the best.

My sweetest memories though are the most recent ones. The conversations we had each week when I came to bathe you. The laughs we shared over our Taco Casa. The cookies you had ready for your great grand-babies. I'm so thankful for this intimate time that God gave us together. It truly was an answered prayer.

Grandmother, God has been teaching me so much in this new season of mine. He's been teaching me to be more like you. Your selfless love that goes beyond affection to self sacrificing service. How did you serve? How did you not serve? You served your friends, your sisters and brothers, parents, husband, children, children in-laws, and it didn't end with your grandchildren. You invested in people. You were intentional in your relationships.

You loved BIG! I'm so thankful for the legacy you have left in my heart. You loved to talk and never wanted people to go. Now here I am longing to hear your voice one last time, not wanting you to go.

I love you, Grandmother!


Love always,
Sarah

Yesterday my soon to be second grader was hopping around on one foot. At first, I thought he was just being a boy bouncing around and having fun. As time went by, I noticed he wasn't putting any pressure on it. I asked him…Why are you jumping around on one foot???

Well it turns out that he had a sticker in his foot. He was able to remove the big part, but a small thorn still remained in his foot. One he couldn't remove on his own. I had him sit on the couch and show me his foot. I couldn't see anything so I rubbed my hand gently along his foot…Ouch!!!

I couldn't see it in the dim light, but something was definitely there. I turned on my flashlight app and had him hold it up so we could see better. There it was. I tried first to remove it with my fingers. That didn't work. It was going to take the tweezers…Is it gonna hurt???

He was hesitant to let me pull it out since it hurt when I touched it before. Sure jumping on one foot is fun at first, but did he really want to do this the rest of his life? No, and as his mother I knew this. I knew it would hurt as I pulled it out, but I also knew it would heal and the pain would soon cease. Tears flowed with a big…Ouch!!!

It hurt as I pulled that thorn out. I held him in my arms as he cried. He didn't cry long once he realized the pain was finally gone. He could walk again…It doesn't hurt anymore…THANKS, MOM!

What thorn is needing to be removed from your heart?

It can be so easy to remove those thorns on the surface, but what about those thorns that go deep into our hearts? Sometimes we don't even realize they exist. Thorns of bitterness, addiction, fear, doubt, brokenness, unhappiness, loneliness, insecurities, pride, conflict, and the list goes on.

Are you hurting and don't know why…your light is dim? Go to the Word. He will light your path. He will reveal the thorns that pain you. AND He is the one that can remove them.

"Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path." Psalm 119:105

When He does remove the thorn. With or without your help. Remember, He knows better. The pain of letting go is only temporary.

"Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning." Psalm 30:5 ESV

Here are 5 things I do to help reveal and remove the thorns that plague me…

1. I meet with God before anyone else.
2. I get into God's Word every day. 
3. I participate in a weekly small-group prayer/Bible study.
4. I write my prayers and record my blessings and answered prayers.
5. I picked a 'theme chapter' to live by and memorize. {My theme verse is Psalm 71}

Today my heart is breaking. I feel helpless. I just wish there was something I could do. I want to fix it. I want to make it all better. I want to stop the hurt. The struggle is real. One word…it SUCKS! It literally SUCKS.

It SUCKS that Satan is a roaring lion seeking to destroy all in his path. He is destroying people little by little as we sit back and let him. We hand Him the victories one by one.

It SUCKS that we pretend the attacks are not real and that life is perfect. We take our trials, our temptations, our hurts, our shame, our sins, and stuff them in our sock drawer hoping no one sees the truth. The truth of who we really are…simply sinners saved by grace longing to be whole.

It SUCKS that we have made a relationship with Christ something it is totally not. We've made it about law and deeds when it's all about faith and grace. We enter His house weekly and still leave empty not knowing what our true purpose in life is.

It SUCKS that Satan has us so busy and distracted with playing 'Christian' we no longer have the love of Christ that goes beyond the affection to self sacrificing service. We are missing the opportunities that are right in front of us.

It SUCKS that Satan has us blinded to the work God is doing all around us. God longs for an intimate relationship with us outside the four walls we call church. Wanting to listen. Ready to speak. Wanting ALL of you. But, still waiting…

I guess what I'm really trying to say is…God wants to give us victory! Stop pretending life is perfect. It's not. Love Him by loving others. No matter what. Let your light reflect your faith and God's grace.

"For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him." John 3:17

No, we are not moving back to the city although boxes fill my kitchen. I just need to get rid of some much needed clutter. Last night during my Bible Study in Ephesians, my heart was stirred by God and I couldn't hold back the tears no more. 

"Not by the way of eye-service, as people-pleasers, but as bondservants of Christ, doing the will of God from the heart, rendering service with a good will as to the Lord and not to man, knowing that whatever good anyone does, this he will receive back from the Lord, whether he is a bondservant or is free." Ephesians 6:6-8

My husband has to do his reading with the flashlight app on his phone. As he looks over at me, he shined his light on me, and said… Are you crying? Yep! Crying again!!! This time feeling like a big fat loser! I just felt like I hadn't accomplished all I set out to do this summer...my garden was a big flop due to water shortage, my yard and porch accumulating more junk, and my house just the same...one word...OVERWHELMED!!! 

Have you been there? My hubby had some encouraging words…Do you think Noah didn't get overwhelmed as he worked all those years on the ark? Seeing only bits and pieces...it takes time to get to the finished product. You just have to keep working until you get there and not give up when it gets hard and frustrating. 

So for me it's time to regroup and fill up some boxes with the clutter that has overwhelmed me.

God, help remove the clutter that has consumed my heart and place my focus on the joys of living each day for YOU!

THE WAY WE SPEND OUR TIME DEFINES WHO WE ARE

TIME SPENT WITH FAMILY IS WORTH EVERY SECOND

Last Monday, I woke up early to a lot of noise. Our roof was finally getting replaced. When I went outside to care for the chickens that’s when I first noticed the kittens were not anywhere near the house. They typically don’t leave the porch unless they are playing with the kids in the yard. 
I got back from the grocery store, and I still didn’t see them. It wasn’t until later that evening when Toothless finally returned to the porch with our older cat, Balboa. No Shadow. As the week went by, I found my heartbreaking for Toothless.
It’s now been a week since Shadow has been missing. It’s been a week of leaving my drive and returning home in hopes to see my little black kitten with her rowdy brother Toothless playing on the porch. A week of waking up, looking out the front window, and hoping to see the two sitting in their usual place on the top of my bench.
Just look how cute they are together! My rowdy heart can’t stand it anymore! I listen to Toothless meow at the front door. Does he think Shadow is inside without him? She did like to sneak in. A lot! 
Where could she be? What happened? Was she scared? Is she alive? Is she dead? Is she just loving the WILD and not wanting to return to her home on the porch?
This is the part of farm life I don’t like...the part that is CRUEL. I didn’t think I would find myself getting attached to these two, little kittens. I’m not really a cat person. They took me off guard. I found myself babying them. Holding them. Playing with them. Loving one of them. Now missing on of them.
Tonight, I looked over and saw Toothless playing with our older cat. My heart smiled. 
What can we learn from my good, ol’ faithful cat, Balboa...people come and go from our life, but while they are here; seek to help and serve them with kindness, love, and gentleness.

Faith is facing reality without being discouraged by it.

My poor patch had been neglected by me. I wish I could blame it on being out of town, but the truth is I've only pulled weeds once since planting each little watermelon seed.  A few weeks ago when we went to see how they were doing they were great. AND there were only a few weeds. No big deal…right?

Wrong! Dead WRONG!!! It's been a rainy season and the weeds love it! I had my work cut out for me. 27 stakes worth! I knelt down in the dirt and began to pull weeds one by one. The first few weeds I pulled came out with out a problem. I thought to myself…this is going to be easy!

It was a long evening pulling weeds. My faith came face to face with reality. Just like weeds enter our garden and patches; sin, trials, and temptations enter our hearts. I regret neglecting my garden. The weeds I allowed to overtake it and rule. Pulling each weed, God reminded me it's also important not to neglect our hearts. Our sins, trials, and temptations can overtake us if we let them take root. 

When I let fornication take root in my heart, I couldn't stop on my own. I knew it was wrong, but it was like that weed with a pretty flower. The thorns hurt every time I went to pull it. But God! Like the gloves, He helped me when I was truly ready to pull it and let it go. 

Do you have weeds that are choking the life out you? What are you waiting for…start pulling and give them to God!

Look toward your DELIVER rather than you difficulty.

I don't REGRET the things I've done. I just REGRET the things I didn't do when I had the chance. 

This has been a week of so many first. Tuesday I hosted my first 'Big' Backyard Bible Club here on our farm. Not gonna lie; panic set in. I was worried it was going to be a big flop. Would anyone even show up? Well people did show up, and we had a great time on the farm…

"My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." John 15:12:13

My poor friend. She came over this morning for Bible study and fellowship. I’m sure she didn’t expect to show up to me being an emotional mess. She was so sweet to listen to me babble through all my tears. 

Last night was our Opening Day on Lee Legacy Farm. As we ate around the dinner table mid way through picking time, that’s when the tears first flowed. I couldn’t hold them back. Tears of exhaustion. Tears of sadness. Tears of reality. Tears I blamed on a headache. I’m sure my husband knew the truth behind those tears. 
Earlier I had received a text from my momma...I wish you were closer.
Me, too, momma! This was a big day for us and we had no one to share it with us. The boys waited for people to show, but no one did. My mom and pa, sisters, family, and closest friends that have always been there to cheer us on during our big moments were missing on this big day. They no longer live just around the corner, but a hundred miles away.
Don’t get me wrong. Opening Day couldn’t have ended more perfectly. My first pickers of the season...me, my husband, and my boys. Once again, I was surrounded by sunshine and smiles.